Behind Closed Doors

I often wonder if I am the only one who comes home and continues to worry about the future, about my past and about my now? Am I doing the right things? Have I made the right choices in my past? Will what I have done, said or thought in the past affect my now? Am I living an authentic life? Have I been living by my own rules or is someone else making those rules? I wonder if I am the only one who worries about the friends I have chosen, how their choices affect my own choices. Or accepts that, we as friends make different choices and we should embrace that.

The truth is, I don’t trust some if not any of the decisions I make. I sometimes wake up at night thinking I am going to be punished for some of the ones I have found myself making. I feel like a complete lie at some of the ones I have made. Some of the things I say I do and really don’t. I kick myself for living this double life between God and the world. I wish I could make one decision and stick to it. Either take a break from Christianity and sin all I can in that period, before going back to God and saying I am sorry for something I am going to go right back to doing. I some time’s wish life was that easy, that you could live in the middle. Sin, then go back and do it all over again. All that would be easy, if I wasn’t so neurotic. Doing something I really want to do, only to feel bad after doing it because it’s not in God will, but all this reminds me that God knew it wasn’t going to be easy. He knew we would sin but that also makes me think we are bullshitting, because we know that God will keep taking us back anyway so why not?

I stay up at night wondering, should God come today what on earth will I say to him about my life? then another question comes to mind to, what if there is no God? That Christianity is a concept made up by someone to control all of us and make us a bunch of indecisive, half believing, half living guilt infected occupants of the earth?

I don’t know, but I guess the question above and at hand makes ME a half believer, half living guilt infected occupant of the earth. But I keep saying,  I am trying. Before all this growing up and understanding self for self, we lived Christianity for our parents, then we did it to belong to something that was “good” since we sinned so much, so the association would make us feel better, then did it to hide from the world with all its infirmities, but now, I am going to do it for me, for my own will, my own health, my own peace and of course my own love.

Which ever God you believe in, may he/she continue to be with you and bless you, Amen.

Tebatso