Peace That surpasses all Understanding

Peace that surpasses all Understanding

I cannot begin to tell you how awkward all this is, how ummmm happy I am, I feel good and this time it’s not because my friends like me or think I am cool, it’s not because some guy is giving me some sort of attention, it’s not because I got a A-plus in some test, or because I may have just made my family proud by doing what they want.. No.. its because I just feel good. It’s the weirdest feeling. I worked so hard to get to a point of not only knowing and understanding myself, but accepting myself. And now that I am here, I just don’t know how to feel. It’s like I am constantly giggling from inside, I don’t need anybody to like what I do or wear, my ambitions are not coming from what I will get a gold medal for, my ambitions are now totally mine and mine alone. Is it scary HELL YES it is. In fact it’s too scary because it is unfamiliar not to need some1. Its unfamiliar to not NEED someone know me or like me

I would walk into my house knowing how much and badly I want a good life but feel bad for wanting it. How I wanted to soar and I MEAN soar in my career, be the best of the best of the best but would feel bad for wanting it. I would want to date a good man, tall good looking and of course rich man but think he’s a bad thing to want. That I couldn’t have it all. What did I learn in my childhood that simply made me see things and life this way, feel this way? What could any of those close to me in their protecting me, shield me from?

Do I still go back to those familiar unhealthy thoughts? Get the nudge to go back to those ways of thinking and seeing life. Indeed I do, but do I let myself go back? I try not to. Because I simple just simply cannot afford to go back to thinking and being who I was when I was 21 years old. Young, unshaven, and untaken care off. I cant. I wont.

Is that little girl in me, broken, vulnerable and enduring waiting on the side lines to come out and think the entire world is still against her still there? Shame poor thing, she still is there, but the woman in me is now loving enough to nurture her to understand that her days in my life are over.

Until you have been unloved by a man you loved totally with every single thread in you, you haven’t lived baby. Go ahead and wait for your transformation turn.

Had it not been for the will of the lord, where would I be? This truly is what they mean when they say being in God brings you the peace that surpasses all understanding. You don’t have to worry about anything any more. You concentrate on what the lord offers you. On what the bible teaches,  the rest is just junk in the trunk.

I am not saying that I am perfect and I am totally healed Ms goody two shoes, but I am just saying I sure as hell am better then I was in the past and I am very grateful to God for that. Amen.